how my gay friend taught me to be a better husband

by domenico tucci

Admittedly, the title is a little sensationalist but there is a point to it.

My friend and I are both men. One of us belongs to the old boys club where we tell jokes and disparaging stories about the ‘ol’ ball and chain’, regardless of how we actually feel about our ‘nag bag’.

It didn’t occur to me that my friend didn’t play this sport or that his partner would be exempt from this tradition. So when I took a stab at my little woman, he was shocked and said, “wow… I would never say that about Greg* ”. It was a jarring moment. It called into question a habit that I had learned from my father and his friends, from TV, the locker room or virtually any hetero male only hangout.

He had a point. Why did I do this and why was it not obvious to me that I shouldn’t? Of course the answer is pathetic. That’s the way it’s always been done around here. It was a gaping hole in my conscious man approach to life.

While I do tease my friends and kids, and they me, in the spirit of laughing at ourselves, the line is easily crossed. If my wife is not in the room, does it hurt anybody to mock her? I think it does. Words are powerful. And those names and jibes represent an attitude, which even if I love my wife and regard her highly, rub off on those around me and even hide in my own subconscious waiting for the right moment to attack. These “jokes” atrophy our collective affection and the attitude of respect we give to our partners.

The dark truth is that I want to fit in. I like the warmth I feel when I make people laugh. So it becomes cool to dismiss my missus.

I don’t think being funny and being good to those around you is mutually exclusive. Picking on the mother of my children because she is absent, or is an easy target that made a harmless mistake is lazy and cruel. I choose not to do that anymore. I still want to be funny and have people see me. But now, if the friends I keep are worthwhile, I think they will see me as both funny and strong enough to respect those I care about.

Bullying doesn’t start at school, it starts with dad wearing a T-Shirt that says, “I don’t need Google, my wife knows everything.”



* names have of course been changed

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