by domenico tucci
When I was 12 years old, my father, seeing the distress in my eyes after he and my mother came out of another epic screaming match, said to me, “Don’t worry, we won’t get divorced. I promise.”
It was a promise he couldn’t keep. I don’t blame him (or my mother). I just wish they had left one another alone after that.
He loved my mother and she him. Of that I am sure. But they were a mess together. After they got divorced, they got back together and then split and got back together and split again. I am not sure how many times exactly. Each time there was a new reason to try and each time there was a new reason why it didn’t work. My sister and I took some collateral damage.
This story is not about my sister and I. The story is about what I wish would have happened. There are two options:
a) Realizing that despite their feelings, their best intentions and the undeniable force that attracted them, they should not be together. In this version, they treat one another with respect, owing their own part in the downfall of their relationship, forgiving the other for theirs and learning the techniques to handle their relationship maturely and with kindness
b) Realizing that despite all of the aforementioned, they have massive challenges and need to own their own part, forgive each other and most importantly, learn the techniques to love one another intimately and be kind to each other
Clearly, the two options are actually the same. The latter just means that they live under the same roof. I honestly have no preference. I would have wanted whatever option gave them (and in the end also us kids), the most peace. Not every fairytale ends in happily ever after. Not every fairytale is a fairytale.
What is the point of my story? You have one life. You get one chance at each day that you live. Your 3 year old is only 3 once. Sometimes, it is hard to know whether to stay together or not but one thing is clear. You owe yourself and the person you love (and yes, sometimes hate) the gift of learning how to do it.
If you are one of the lucky few who had parents to teach you what a loving relationship looks like, be thankful. The rest of us have to learn.
How is it that we are taught how to drive, do our jobs, eat with a knife and fork but not to do the one thing that causes us more distress when we do it wrong than practically anything else?
Do it now. There is no good time, except now. Something will always come up. Waiting for things to start falling apart is like waiting to service your car until the steering wheel comes off in your hands.
Do it here. Do it somewhere else if it makes more sense, but for the love of all things holy to you, do it.
If you’d like to organize an event in your area, please contact us.