unfair is cool

by domenico tucci

“That’s not fair!”

Talk to a 5 year old for more than 10 minutes, and they will tell you that something or another is not fair. The terrible thing about the little devils is that they mirror what they see. I see every fault in me, glaring back at me through my kids. Despite not using language like that in my house, my children have picked up the ‘not fair’ habit. It is handed down from one generation of toddlers to the next, like calling ‘shotgun’ for the front seat or
‘ dibs’ on the last candy bar. When I tell them to clean their room, give the tablet to their sibling or take the dog out, this is their go to phrase. I smile and reply, “Life ain’t fair”.

Sadly, this childhood reaction becomes a habit, one that I don’t think we grow out of. If my partner gets to do x or spend y then I should be able to do x or spend y. It’s only fair. But, is it wise? And, more importantly, is it good for the relationship?

This is beautifully illustrated in an episode of Friends where Joey is upset that his date reached out and took some of his fries at dinner. Because…”Joey doesn’t share food!”.

On a second date, with the matter now out in the open, the tables are turned and he wants some of her food but is forbidden to have any, despite her ordinarily being open to sharing. Of course, I can see the hypocrisy and on the surface it doesn’t seem fair.

The issue is not actually about sharing. He is willing to buy her all the food she wants (sharing his money with her), but she just mustn’t touch his plate. Is it still unfair?

Allow me to make it more complicated. If an armed man were to run into the restaurant, Joey would no doubt protect his date and even risk getting shot protecting her despite being relative strangers. That doesn’t seem fair either.  I’m using a stereotype and an extreme situation to illustrate a point. Of course, I am not suggesting that all men are protectors or that all women need protecting. What I am saying is that there is more to the situation than meets the eye.

I have a better example, where it is clearer that equal, same and fair are different things. This time I’ll borrow from a nursery rhyme:

Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean;
And so betwixt them both,
They lick’d the platter clean.

Jack is happy, his wife is happy and they neither ate the same thing, nor presumably equal portions but it certainly seems fair.

Unfortunately, in real life, we both might want to eat the lean or the fat or both. What then? My answer is honesty and kindness. On a scale from 1 to 10, how important is it for you to go shopping, play golf, buy an expensive ring, sleep in on a Saturday?

When you partner’s choice is mutually exclusive to yours, as long as there is a clear difference in importance, a compromise can more easily be reached. It is clearly a 10 for Joey, but honestly, it is probably a 3 for his date. If she were being kind, she would both respect his unwillingness to share and because it is also not offensive to her, she would allow him to eat from hers.

Joey would certainly be happy and while an outsider might think the relationship were one sided, I am sure that happy Joey would more than make up for it in other aspects of the relationship. If this were pre-school, then Joey would have to learn to share. But it’s not and life ain’t fair.

If you want a happy relationship, then put fair aside. Sometimes you will need to put in more, sometimes you will take out more. Chances are the score will never be equal, so stop trying to keep track. Loving your partner is more likely to motivate them to love you back than winning the argument or ensuring everything is split down the middle.

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