by Sarah Zink
We’ve all had it happen. The ‘cute’ things that attracted us to our partner or that we blew off as their idiosyncrasies are now Driving. Us. Nuts.
Is it REALLY the socks on the floor, the quirky sense of humor or the bodily noises that is bothering you?
Let me give you an example. My husband belches. Often. And one day I realized that every time he did, I felt annoyed. I observed my pattern of reaction to his behavior over time and realized that it wasn’t his belching that bothered me – it was the fact that he didn’t say ‘excuse me’ afterwards. While this might not be a big deal to anyone else, it annoyed me because he would say it in public or in front of our friends. I felt as if he was being dismissive of my importance to him by not offering me the same courtesy that he gave to strangers or to our friends.
So – let’s break it down for you. What’s annoying you? There are basically only two areas: Habits of communication or habits of behavior. Take a look at the examples on these lists.
- Habits of communication
- How they talk (mechanics)
- What words they use (style)
- How/when they use humor
- Habits of behavior
- Personal habits
- What they wear and when
- Household chores
First – observe them without judgement
- What’s REALLY happening here? Are they trying to tease/annoy you? Do they even realize what they are doing?
- Is it hurting you physically?
- What is the backstory on why this annoys you (old boyfriend did it, parents did/did not do it, etc.)?
Next, observe your responses without judgement
- Are you inferring intent or motive?
- Are you worried about ‘what others think’?
Once you have done this, take a moment to consider if the problem is yours or if it’s an issue to discuss. In my case, once I explained it to my husband (NOT immediately after he had done it, but at a ‘neutral’ point in time), it made perfect sense to him. He saw the small change as another way to show me that I mattered to him.
I’d love to hear what your partner does that annoys you and how you handle it.